"And be you kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake has forgiven you." (Ephesians 4:32)
Kindness is one of the most valuable, but perhaps, overlooked tools in a Christian's utility belt for dealing with conflict. In family, in church politics, in marriage, even at work, conflict will arise. No matter how well we conduct ourselves, no matter how well we behave with holiness and our faith in mind, no matter how spotless our work ethic or how gracious our treatment of family or spouse, at some point a conflict will come: somebody will have a problem with us. The initial response of a Believer should not be to throw off the gloves and prepare to defend ourselves. The initial response should be to consider how to deal with the conflict in a kind way.
The first issue of being kind is to recognize that most of us are not naturally that way. The human heart, according to scripture, is fallen because of sin. The result is that the heart is "deceitful above all things" (Jeremiah 17:9). We are new creations in Christ, but because of the sinful nature that still fights for dominance (called "the flesh"), we have the propensity to be envious, hateful, discordant, contentious, even in some cases murderous (Galatians 5:19-21). If we aren't continually feeding our Spiritual nature with God's Word and practically obeying it, our natural response to conflict or accusation (and even abuse), is to be defensive and strike back. We want to prove we are in the right, and we want those in conflict with us to acknowledge our rightness.
There is a biblical element to a Christian being shown to be without blame, and therefore putting his detractors to shame. But that is for God to do, and only our fruit in any given situation can allow Him to bring that rightness and shame to the detractor's attention. Putting our detractor to shame is a redemptive work, not with the object of mere shame for our detractors as an end. The shame they are to experience is redemptive, with the goal that they feel the presence of sin in their hearts, and hear the Holy Spirit exclaiming to them that the sin can be washed and taken under control by the new nature, in Christ.
If we are to respond to conflict with kindness, then knowing our own wretchedness at heart and the forgiveness and cleansing of that wretchedness is of great importance. Had Jesus not given us a new nature, his Holy Spirit, and the instruction of His Word, we would be as angry and contentious as the one in conflict with us, and we would not just be defending ourselves from toxicity or abuse. We would be provoking and abusing and conflicting with others on a regular basis. I've learned this the hard way. But to be kind in conflict requires an acute understanding of our sinfulness, which diminishes through time and Godliness, but continues to rear its ugly head every day of our lives. Every time we sin, as we confess our sins (and even when we refuse to), God is continually overlooking, forgiving, and washing our sins from us. He does so for the sake of his Son, Jesus Christ, who died to put to death the conflict between ourselves and God.
If we are to react to conflict or abuse with kindness, we are to be constantly premeditated in our awareness that God is kind to us when we sin. "Remember, oh Lord, your tender mercies and your loving-kindness; for they have been ever of old. Remember not the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions: according to your mercy remember You me for your goodness' sake, oh Lord." (Psalm 25:6-7) Meditating on our own position of forgiveness for the sake of God's goodness will help us to react kindly in conflict, again, for the sake of His goodness, and to enhance our testimony that he has indeed saved us.
So when we come into conflict (which I find happens most often in marriage, work, and family), and especially when the conflict seems to be of the toxic or abusive kind--rather it seems to come from biased, unfair, or misconstrued perception of our own actions--in kindness, we should decide whether the criticism is warranted. We do this by being "swift to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry" (James 1:19). After, we should employ kindness in our response. If the criticism is warranted, we should acknowledge our faults, "with all lowliness and meekness, with long-suffering, forbearing one another in love; endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace" (Ephesians 4:2-3). If the criticism is unwarranted? As I see it, you cannot do anything with unwarranted criticism, as you cannot pretend to apologize, or simply say "I'm sorry you feel that way." My wife has many times reminded me that saying "I'm sorry you feel that way," is not a real apology. But in keeping with kindness, "a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Proverbs 15:1). Perhaps the kindest thing to do in a situation where conflict arises from false criticism or unfair assumptions about your actions, is to agree to disagree, and lovingly set boundaries between yourself and the person in question.
Kindness doesn't always resolve conflict. And a sort of false kindness in which one always capitulates and admits to wrongdoing not really done, can lead to resentment and bitterness on the part of the one admitting wrong. But keeping an attitude of kindness in response to conflict will most always, at best, diffuse an angry situation, and at worse set a Holy, loving boundary between the conflicting people. Both promote peace and growth in a Believer's life, and both are a God-honoring way to seek resolution.
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